friendship, and the value of reaching out
Mar. 7th, 2024 09:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wordswithYesterday, two friends contacted me unexpectedly.
The reasons were unrelated to the other.
The first was a phone call. I hate phone calls. But this particular friend is the type to call when he's on a level of DEFCON yet to be determined. It's been this way since I met him when we were studying. He's smart and incredibly ambitious, but he's a little manic, loud and energetic, and honestly, a lot to be around, for an introvert like me.
Apparently no one's told him to calm down before.
The last time we talked, he was on the brink of blowing up his life: breaking a contract he had with a company by leaving with no notice, for several reasons I won't get into. Of course, I pick up. The pattern holds. He's on the brink of blowing up his life again. We talk for about ten minutes, and that's it.
The second friend sends me a message. We primarily communicate via memes on instagram, so this is new. While we go through the motions of general pleasantries ("Hi, how are you?" , "Good and you") which I would rather avoid with friends -- something about the distance of politeness -- but indulge because, having known him as the kind of guy who likes to maintain a certain level of propriety when we were studying together, it's what he prefers, he asks me for advice about a girl he's seeing.
This too, is new.
He's incredibly smart, and was seen around campus as a gentleman, someone others go to for help. Nonetheless, we talk, and the conversation is a little longer, but the result is the same.
The conversation ends, and that's it.
Funnily enough, I don't mind this. In fact, I really enjoyed these two interactions. It's what community feels like to me, in a way. Knowing you could reach out to someone you may not have spoken to for awhile, and know they'd reach back.
I read an article some time ago about how people don't ask for help from their friends anymore.
We'd rather call an Uber to pick us up from the airport, or hire a moving company when we relocate, or post a story on instagram about how we're in the hospital rather than just messaging a friend that you are. (The last one was another friend of mine, I'm projecting.)
I don't remember much else from the article (I blame the ADHD) but that part stuck out to me because of how true it is.
We've either gotten too considerate of each other that we don't want to put anyone out by asking, or knowing we wouldn't want to be similiarly asked, we'd rather hire someone else. I'd like to think it's the former. There is little personal time and energy under capitalism, after all. You're the one moving and you don't even want to lug those boxes, why would you put your friend through that? And the airport? Forget about it, you wouldn't want to be getting up that early if it were you, it'll be quicker with an Uber anyway.
But doing so misses the point.
Relationships and community is about the hard stuff, the annoying things.
The two friends that called me yesterday? We met because of the annoying things, and bonded because of the hard stuff. My connection with them may be tenuous because we lack the proximity that created that friendship, but even after we parted ways (almost a year after), they still felt they could reach out. I'm honoured. I'm grateful.
I hope my friends know they can ask me for help. Time and distance notwithstanding, I part from the friends I make through proximity with the hope that they'll remember me as someone who was kind, someone who would help them if they needed it.
I needed the reminder too, that it's something I can do as well. That much like how I don't view my friendship with others as a burden, they won't see mine the same. After all, I've got excellent taste, if I do say so myself. I wouldn't make friends with assholes.
The reasons were unrelated to the other.
The first was a phone call. I hate phone calls. But this particular friend is the type to call when he's on a level of DEFCON yet to be determined. It's been this way since I met him when we were studying. He's smart and incredibly ambitious, but he's a little manic, loud and energetic, and honestly, a lot to be around, for an introvert like me.
Apparently no one's told him to calm down before.
The last time we talked, he was on the brink of blowing up his life: breaking a contract he had with a company by leaving with no notice, for several reasons I won't get into. Of course, I pick up. The pattern holds. He's on the brink of blowing up his life again. We talk for about ten minutes, and that's it.
The second friend sends me a message. We primarily communicate via memes on instagram, so this is new. While we go through the motions of general pleasantries ("Hi, how are you?" , "Good and you") which I would rather avoid with friends -- something about the distance of politeness -- but indulge because, having known him as the kind of guy who likes to maintain a certain level of propriety when we were studying together, it's what he prefers, he asks me for advice about a girl he's seeing.
This too, is new.
He's incredibly smart, and was seen around campus as a gentleman, someone others go to for help. Nonetheless, we talk, and the conversation is a little longer, but the result is the same.
The conversation ends, and that's it.
Funnily enough, I don't mind this. In fact, I really enjoyed these two interactions. It's what community feels like to me, in a way. Knowing you could reach out to someone you may not have spoken to for awhile, and know they'd reach back.
I read an article some time ago about how people don't ask for help from their friends anymore.
We'd rather call an Uber to pick us up from the airport, or hire a moving company when we relocate, or post a story on instagram about how we're in the hospital rather than just messaging a friend that you are. (The last one was another friend of mine, I'm projecting.)
I don't remember much else from the article (I blame the ADHD) but that part stuck out to me because of how true it is.
We've either gotten too considerate of each other that we don't want to put anyone out by asking, or knowing we wouldn't want to be similiarly asked, we'd rather hire someone else. I'd like to think it's the former. There is little personal time and energy under capitalism, after all. You're the one moving and you don't even want to lug those boxes, why would you put your friend through that? And the airport? Forget about it, you wouldn't want to be getting up that early if it were you, it'll be quicker with an Uber anyway.
But doing so misses the point.
Relationships and community is about the hard stuff, the annoying things.
The two friends that called me yesterday? We met because of the annoying things, and bonded because of the hard stuff. My connection with them may be tenuous because we lack the proximity that created that friendship, but even after we parted ways (almost a year after), they still felt they could reach out. I'm honoured. I'm grateful.
I hope my friends know they can ask me for help. Time and distance notwithstanding, I part from the friends I make through proximity with the hope that they'll remember me as someone who was kind, someone who would help them if they needed it.
I needed the reminder too, that it's something I can do as well. That much like how I don't view my friendship with others as a burden, they won't see mine the same. After all, I've got excellent taste, if I do say so myself. I wouldn't make friends with assholes.