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In feeling nostalgic over how the internet was and how it used to be, I decided to go back to my roots: blogging. Or whatever approximation I'll end up doing here, I guess. While I've used Tumblr in a similar way, I feel weird having my stream of consciousness there. Probably because I've used Tumblr for promoting my writing, and my brain's been turned to mush over marketing nonsense like what my "personal brand" is. Also, I tended to write most of my thoughts in the tags when I use Tumblr. Like I'm afraid to actually create a post of my own to say something with my whole chest. God knows why. I dump posts on Tumblr the way people live-tweet on Twitter (or used to, do they still?), but if it's not about a show or movie I'm watching, I suddenly can't own up to what I think. Even though I try not to fall into the trap of crafting my online presence around an aesthetic, or that dreaded and elusive "personal brand", it feels like I have anyway. I might not labour over taking good selfies anymore or partake (often) in the ritual of taking pictures of my food before eating, but I'm clearly (overly) self aware of how I'm perceived online. As if I'm afraid I'll come off like one of those Facebook moms who over share on their statuses. Apparently if you're self-conscious enough, even without showing your face, you too can be afraid of being cringe.
So that's why I'm here. To dump thoughts unpretentiously or as pretentiously as I want in a bid to reclaim the audacity of being a person other people might not agree with or like online.
18.03.2024
Mar. 18th, 2024 08:37 amThe week after my period is always a rough time. The exhaustion was PEAK, and trying to stay awake was the thing I remember most about last week. The timing was obviously fantastic /s because I just came out of creating two communities on pillowfort and a promise (to myself) that I would attempt to fix this aspect of my life (writing and engaging meaningfully with others) alas
Today's a new week though, so here's the plan:
Today's a new week though, so here's the plan:
- I attempted to continue writing "We haunt the night" and ended up (somehow) with less words than what I started. I'm going to bash some words out this time, hopefully I'll have something new to work with
- I finished reading Pride and Prejudice last week and was promptly lost in the rabbit hole of fanfiction. I'm picking up one of my other books this week - either A Very Nice Girl or Vicious, we'll see which grabs me first
- I'm in the middle of planning a trip to Romania and the Netherlands, and I want to confirm a few details and budget stuff
11.03.2024
Mar. 11th, 2024 09:17 amWeekend retrospective:
- I created yet another community on PillowFort - this time for fanfic. I figured since original fiction and fanfiction are two very different things, they should have their own dedicated spaces. I don't know how I'll manage them both since they both have theme days, but I've already gotten a head start and have posts for the next three weeks (ish)
- It's me and the cats this week. They spent all day outside on Saturday night. Woke up on the morning of Sunday to find a couple of dead moths, and a grasshopper.
- I wanted to finish my read of Pride & Prejudice over the weekend, but I got distracted by my phone and the horrors of infinite scroll. Curse you Instagram Algorithm.
- Going to make time to finish Pride & Prejudice this week, I'm literally in the last stretch!
- I'm going to prep as many theme days as I can for both communities while I have time
- Have to order in groceries, I need food but I hate driving. Plus, I have a weird discoloration on my neck. I'd call it a rash but it doesn't ish, it just doesn't look fun and I'm already socially anxious as it is, yknow.
- Been feeling more nauseous since finishing my period. Could be my hormones being hormones, or my ADHD medication. Either way, I would like to eat something without feeling like I'm going to vom
my tumblr migration
Mar. 8th, 2024 08:10 amI logged onto pillowfort this morning and found we'd gone from 33% donation to 39%, it's incredible! The site is user-funded. Beyond the initial $5 sign-up fee, all other funding is voluntary.
I've only been on the site for four days now, but I'm really proud of the platform.
Not only do I enjoy using it, but I love what it stands for. It feels cozy for lack of a better word. Not just because it doesn't have the user population numbers of tumblr (though one day, I think it could) but because we can so easily engage with the posts of others. We can comment directly, and get a reply; have a whole conversation! It seems silly, but it just feels more connected in terms of interactions in a way other platforms just don't.
I've had a suspicion that for sometime using tumblr was at least partly responsible for my disinterest in writing.
Not to lay all the blame there, of course. There are other factors. But I've felt a pressure to be engage with tumblr, to promote stories and snippets, answer ask-games and prompts and return the favor for others, that I just couldn't keep up with it.
Granted, a lot of that pressure is self-inflicted. No one held a gun to my head.
But it felt like a job, something I had to do.
If I didn't have a presence online, no one would remember me. They wouldn't read my words, or engage me in those very ask-games and prompts that slowly began to fill me with dread. It was a contradictory experience. And while I tried to grapple with an equilibrium -- starting over on a new tumblr side-blog and even stating I wasn't currently writing -- I felt adrift. If I wanted community then, I wouldn't get it by having no followers, or having nothing to offer.
That's the crux of it really.
Something about social media as a whole has tricked me into thinking I have to produce content in order to maintain interest, to "earn" my place in the community.
In fandom spaces, creators disappear all the time, you might say.
But I didn't want to disappear. I wanted to be around, I wanted to be involved. I wanted to write. I wanted to share that writing. I wanted to engage. It just didn't feel worth it.
Likes and reblogs are great. I can't deny I could count at least, on getting a notification for either, or that I felt satisfaction in garnering a response in that way. There's a hollowness to the feeling, though. Like eating popcorn when you're hungry. Yes, you're eating, but it isn't nutritious, it won't fill you up.
I don't remember the last time I had an actual exchange with someone on tumblr.
I realize now that being there felt lonely.
I'm under no illusions that pillowfort, as a platform, may be able to avert that feeling on its own. Everyone is responsible for their own experience. However, with the set-up of the platform to encourage conversation -- whoever decided to use the ao3 review / forum style comment system under posts, I could kiss you with tongue -- to actually connect rather than just leaving it up to the presentation of it through likes and reblogs (which it still has), it gives me hope that social networking will make a comeback, and maybe, I'll even be a part of it.
I've only been on the site for four days now, but I'm really proud of the platform.
Not only do I enjoy using it, but I love what it stands for. It feels cozy for lack of a better word. Not just because it doesn't have the user population numbers of tumblr (though one day, I think it could) but because we can so easily engage with the posts of others. We can comment directly, and get a reply; have a whole conversation! It seems silly, but it just feels more connected in terms of interactions in a way other platforms just don't.
I've had a suspicion that for sometime using tumblr was at least partly responsible for my disinterest in writing.
Not to lay all the blame there, of course. There are other factors. But I've felt a pressure to be engage with tumblr, to promote stories and snippets, answer ask-games and prompts and return the favor for others, that I just couldn't keep up with it.
Granted, a lot of that pressure is self-inflicted. No one held a gun to my head.
But it felt like a job, something I had to do.
If I didn't have a presence online, no one would remember me. They wouldn't read my words, or engage me in those very ask-games and prompts that slowly began to fill me with dread. It was a contradictory experience. And while I tried to grapple with an equilibrium -- starting over on a new tumblr side-blog and even stating I wasn't currently writing -- I felt adrift. If I wanted community then, I wouldn't get it by having no followers, or having nothing to offer.
That's the crux of it really.
Something about social media as a whole has tricked me into thinking I have to produce content in order to maintain interest, to "earn" my place in the community.
In fandom spaces, creators disappear all the time, you might say.
But I didn't want to disappear. I wanted to be around, I wanted to be involved. I wanted to write. I wanted to share that writing. I wanted to engage. It just didn't feel worth it.
Likes and reblogs are great. I can't deny I could count at least, on getting a notification for either, or that I felt satisfaction in garnering a response in that way. There's a hollowness to the feeling, though. Like eating popcorn when you're hungry. Yes, you're eating, but it isn't nutritious, it won't fill you up.
I don't remember the last time I had an actual exchange with someone on tumblr.
I realize now that being there felt lonely.
I'm under no illusions that pillowfort, as a platform, may be able to avert that feeling on its own. Everyone is responsible for their own experience. However, with the set-up of the platform to encourage conversation -- whoever decided to use the ao3 review / forum style comment system under posts, I could kiss you with tongue -- to actually connect rather than just leaving it up to the presentation of it through likes and reblogs (which it still has), it gives me hope that social networking will make a comeback, and maybe, I'll even be a part of it.
friendship, and the value of reaching out
Mar. 7th, 2024 09:57 amYesterday, two friends contacted me unexpectedly.
The reasons were unrelated to the other.
The first was a phone call. I hate phone calls. But this particular friend is the type to call when he's on a level of DEFCON yet to be determined. It's been this way since I met him when we were studying. He's smart and incredibly ambitious, but he's a little manic, loud and energetic, and honestly, a lot to be around, for an introvert like me.
Apparently no one's told him to calm down before.
The last time we talked, he was on the brink of blowing up his life: breaking a contract he had with a company by leaving with no notice, for several reasons I won't get into. Of course, I pick up. The pattern holds. He's on the brink of blowing up his life again. We talk for about ten minutes, and that's it.
The second friend sends me a message. We primarily communicate via memes on instagram, so this is new. While we go through the motions of general pleasantries ("Hi, how are you?" , "Good and you") which I would rather avoid with friends -- something about the distance of politeness -- but indulge because, having known him as the kind of guy who likes to maintain a certain level of propriety when we were studying together, it's what he prefers, he asks me for advice about a girl he's seeing.
This too, is new.
He's incredibly smart, and was seen around campus as a gentleman, someone others go to for help. Nonetheless, we talk, and the conversation is a little longer, but the result is the same.
The conversation ends, and that's it.
Funnily enough, I don't mind this. In fact, I really enjoyed these two interactions. It's what community feels like to me, in a way. Knowing you could reach out to someone you may not have spoken to for awhile, and know they'd reach back.
I read an article some time ago about how people don't ask for help from their friends anymore.
We'd rather call an Uber to pick us up from the airport, or hire a moving company when we relocate, or post a story on instagram about how we're in the hospital rather than just messaging a friend that you are. (The last one was another friend of mine, I'm projecting.)
I don't remember much else from the article (I blame the ADHD) but that part stuck out to me because of how true it is.
We've either gotten too considerate of each other that we don't want to put anyone out by asking, or knowing we wouldn't want to be similiarly asked, we'd rather hire someone else. I'd like to think it's the former. There is little personal time and energy under capitalism, after all. You're the one moving and you don't even want to lug those boxes, why would you put your friend through that? And the airport? Forget about it, you wouldn't want to be getting up that early if it were you, it'll be quicker with an Uber anyway.
But doing so misses the point.
Relationships and community is about the hard stuff, the annoying things.
The two friends that called me yesterday? We met because of the annoying things, and bonded because of the hard stuff. My connection with them may be tenuous because we lack the proximity that created that friendship, but even after we parted ways (almost a year after), they still felt they could reach out. I'm honoured. I'm grateful.
I hope my friends know they can ask me for help. Time and distance notwithstanding, I part from the friends I make through proximity with the hope that they'll remember me as someone who was kind, someone who would help them if they needed it.
I needed the reminder too, that it's something I can do as well. That much like how I don't view my friendship with others as a burden, they won't see mine the same. After all, I've got excellent taste, if I do say so myself. I wouldn't make friends with assholes.
The reasons were unrelated to the other.
The first was a phone call. I hate phone calls. But this particular friend is the type to call when he's on a level of DEFCON yet to be determined. It's been this way since I met him when we were studying. He's smart and incredibly ambitious, but he's a little manic, loud and energetic, and honestly, a lot to be around, for an introvert like me.
Apparently no one's told him to calm down before.
The last time we talked, he was on the brink of blowing up his life: breaking a contract he had with a company by leaving with no notice, for several reasons I won't get into. Of course, I pick up. The pattern holds. He's on the brink of blowing up his life again. We talk for about ten minutes, and that's it.
The second friend sends me a message. We primarily communicate via memes on instagram, so this is new. While we go through the motions of general pleasantries ("Hi, how are you?" , "Good and you") which I would rather avoid with friends -- something about the distance of politeness -- but indulge because, having known him as the kind of guy who likes to maintain a certain level of propriety when we were studying together, it's what he prefers, he asks me for advice about a girl he's seeing.
This too, is new.
He's incredibly smart, and was seen around campus as a gentleman, someone others go to for help. Nonetheless, we talk, and the conversation is a little longer, but the result is the same.
The conversation ends, and that's it.
Funnily enough, I don't mind this. In fact, I really enjoyed these two interactions. It's what community feels like to me, in a way. Knowing you could reach out to someone you may not have spoken to for awhile, and know they'd reach back.
I read an article some time ago about how people don't ask for help from their friends anymore.
We'd rather call an Uber to pick us up from the airport, or hire a moving company when we relocate, or post a story on instagram about how we're in the hospital rather than just messaging a friend that you are. (The last one was another friend of mine, I'm projecting.)
I don't remember much else from the article (I blame the ADHD) but that part stuck out to me because of how true it is.
We've either gotten too considerate of each other that we don't want to put anyone out by asking, or knowing we wouldn't want to be similiarly asked, we'd rather hire someone else. I'd like to think it's the former. There is little personal time and energy under capitalism, after all. You're the one moving and you don't even want to lug those boxes, why would you put your friend through that? And the airport? Forget about it, you wouldn't want to be getting up that early if it were you, it'll be quicker with an Uber anyway.
But doing so misses the point.
Relationships and community is about the hard stuff, the annoying things.
The two friends that called me yesterday? We met because of the annoying things, and bonded because of the hard stuff. My connection with them may be tenuous because we lack the proximity that created that friendship, but even after we parted ways (almost a year after), they still felt they could reach out. I'm honoured. I'm grateful.
I hope my friends know they can ask me for help. Time and distance notwithstanding, I part from the friends I make through proximity with the hope that they'll remember me as someone who was kind, someone who would help them if they needed it.
I needed the reminder too, that it's something I can do as well. That much like how I don't view my friendship with others as a burden, they won't see mine the same. After all, I've got excellent taste, if I do say so myself. I wouldn't make friends with assholes.
Things happening today, housekeeping:
Update:
- I went on a girls' trip a week ago, and my husband cleaned the house. But we haven't done any cleaning since then, so I should probably sweep or something so I don't spend my Saturday cleaning instead
- Plus, my in-laws are coming over in the afternoon. My husband always says they don't mind mess, but I do
- Since deciding somewhat impulsively that I'll be moving from tumblr to pillowfort, I'll have to change the links on my stories, etc.
- Have to create a proper post to share with the pdfs I've made available lol
- Impulsively created an ichiruki community and need to actually post there too NEVERMIND deleted it because there was an ichiruki community already, even though it's still only me posting lol
Update:
- The house is swept
- Created the ichiruki and winteriron masterposts, and even shared two of my favourite hannigram fics in the Hannigram community I found
- I've added "No vacancy" to the list of completed pdfs
- I've added my pillowfort link to the winteriron collection, and now just need to do the rest. Woo
My ADHD has me fixated on this at the moment, so I might as well take advantage and post while it's hitting the dopamine just right.
Some things happening today:
Update:
Some things happening today:
- Signed into work at 5.30am which at least means I'll get to bugger off without guilt come 1pm
- I made an oops yesterday by still linking my Tumblr profile to a good few of my stories. I still haven't decided if I'll still be using Tumblr considering how many times it implodes. But I've already paid the $5 for PillowFort and I might as well get my money's worth
- Might actually finish editing "All we know" today and have the link posted
- Catch up on my silly little shows. 9anime hated me last week, but at least I'll get to watch two episodes of The Apothecary Diaries instead of just the one. Haven't checked yet if Solo Levelling is back on, but I hope so
- I'm having a pie for lunch today and I'm actually really excited about it
Update:
- It's now 5.24pm and I'm still logged in. Fuck me.
- Have decided I'm making the move from tumblr to pillowfort. It's a little dead fandom wise, but its also no pressure which I think I need
- FINISHED "All we know", wow I forgot how much of an emotional rollarcoaster than story was to write. I started writing it in 2017, and it's still probably the closest thing I've written to my actual life.
- Finished catching up on my silly little shows. The Apothecary Diaries continues to have me by the throat. Solo Levelling is back, and I'm so excited for the next episode
- My pie was delicious. Today was a good day.
for me, for thee
Mar. 4th, 2024 09:55 pmI've learned to be alone. Or at least that's what I've told myself. I turn to books, music, movies, and TV shows. I swipe endlessly through Instagram reels and YouTube shorts, and I sit through sometimes hours long videos of people talking online about. Well, anything. I once watched a three hour video about internet plagiarism, and the people I learned about will probably be in my mental lexicon for the next year (or more depending on whether James Somerton finally decides to stfu). Same thing, right? I know how to be alone. Everyone does when there are enough distractions. With a computer in our hands or in reach at all times, it isn't hard.
It's certainly easier than actually being around people, but it's a poor substitute.
Anyway, the point is, when I'm alone, in reaching for art, I reach for connection. In writing, in art, I connect.
This corner of the internet may never be visited by anyone but the me from the future; a "me" who's different to the "me" who wrote it, who's had more life to live, and more experience and wisdom as a result. She might think differently than the "me" who exists right now. I hope she does. I hope she has something new to say, or a different way to say it. I hope she'll share it with the different versions of "me" that come after. A constant call and response, a conversation that never ends. A connection I'll always have.
It's certainly easier than actually being around people, but it's a poor substitute.
Anyway, the point is, when I'm alone, in reaching for art, I reach for connection. In writing, in art, I connect.
This corner of the internet may never be visited by anyone but the me from the future; a "me" who's different to the "me" who wrote it, who's had more life to live, and more experience and wisdom as a result. She might think differently than the "me" who exists right now. I hope she does. I hope she has something new to say, or a different way to say it. I hope she'll share it with the different versions of "me" that come after. A constant call and response, a conversation that never ends. A connection I'll always have.
